Depression and the Sikh ‘aunties’

Hello

During my fight with depression over the last 4 years there has been no support at all from the Sikh community I grew up with all my life.   Having lost my parents nearly 20 years ago I tried to find the Asian aunts for support; but all you get is what haven’t you got? How can you be depressed? Silly girl you should be grateful to Waheguru for what I have.

This just hurt each time, no one took me seriously and couldn’t understand why I would be depressed. Where was the compassion and care a community should offer? Friends at work would say is there no one in your gurdwara that could help?  But no.This led me to just distance myself from everyone and stop attending the gurdwara and if I was invited personally I found myself stressing about going. I felt guilty as what sort of mother was I… I should be taking my children to the gurdwara so they could partake in the community. If and when I did attend I wanted peace of mind but it was not there. There were too many memories of my parents in the gurdwara. Everywhere you looked there were people my parents age with their grandchildren and playing happy families. How I wished my children had known their grandparents… all they know are the photographs in frames or the endless photo albums. But what do those mean to them? Will they throw them away when I die? These things pop into my head-

My mum and dad died by the time I was 26 years old. Since then I have been plagued by bad health physically and more now mental illness.  Is this suffering written in my karma. Having been suicidal and attempting suicide I listened to the Sikh Holy kirtan to find some solace and I think I wanted God to save me. My children did need me… even if no one else did.  But the pain was overwhelming- it consumed me my heart was broken.  How much more could I endure.  I wish there was someone in the community I could have spoken to to ask about what our Holy scriptures said about mental pain and suicidal thoughts.   My mother was suicidal when she could take no more when my son died … even though I have overcome my worst times of depression each day is a fight to be positive and count my blessings. No one knows how hard it is – they see me smiling and say your ok now. Am I? Deep down I know there is a deep cavern of pain I am suppressing and the medication helps numb the feelings. I feel pressurised to keep smiling and get to work in a week and function as if nothing has happened.

People say you are so strong; I have endured some of the worst traumas in life having had a stillbirth – my son Karan Singh – deaths of parents to cancer at such young ages . Trying to save my marriage often causing such distress -the shame I would feel znd then supporting my son now with autism achieve his goals.

This year how close I came to walking out and never returning home – I just wanted to end it all.

 

 

 

 

Life after therapy

Hello

Here I am sitting in my garden with the sun shining.  Nearing the end of my school summer holidays. It’s not fair we get six weeks as staff :).  This has been a strange holiday where I have bedn completely at peace and not sunk into a low low depression as before.

It’s been a long journey, this year but finally I want for nothing other than my children to be happy and achieve their goals.  The husband is ok and trying to be caring in his strange way. Is life ever the same after attempted suicide… I think what are my employers thinking ‘is she safe to work in school’ or ‘should we let her go…’ I ask myself these questions.  I am in two minds whether to go back – I haven’t missed being away from colleagues or the daily routine of work. Often wonder is it the medication keeping me together but no I feel different- I finally want to live and enjoy life … I keep telling my children enjoy your lives as it’s over too quick. Do I have regrets? Yes.

I am still naive and trust people so easily and wonder when they let me down.  Sometimes the loneliness is all I want to end…. even in a crowded room… a man I trusted, with my life, he made me realise there is more to life and step outside my sheltered life.  How I regret letting myself be swept away by his charm, the sparkle in his eyes and his smile.  He couldn’t have been more different than the man I am married to.  How I hung to his every word… but it had to end the mental anguish and heartache. The hurt and mind games… from being such a lovely thing it turned into a game but the only one playing was him.

Only now after four years and 30 weeks of therapy I can say it. He was a narcissistic egotistical basterd!. I gave him the adoration he desired but when I wanted him to be honest … he laughed and said I was an emotional wreck. Who made me this Emotional wreck????

Tears have finally stopped and if I am honest yes when I see him I do wait to see if he will acknowledge me. The therapist says it will take time …. for those feelings to disappear.

I know after coming through this ordeal who my friends are ; the backstabbing and gossiping at work from colleagues.  Still I ask myself why do I want to go back? Is it a backward step? Especially as the cause of my pain. He had almost destroyed me…. I keep telling myself I can fight the emotions and ignore him and not entertain any of his mind games.

I saw him yesterday in passing in town and for once I didn’t feel that rush of excitement and all I could see was how fake he is and that I will never give anyone the power to make me feel so desperate that I consider ending it all.

I have read countless articles about men like this who prey on women only for their ego to be flattered.  There must be so many like me…. my friends told me he’s dangerous and a ‘player’ I thought no he treats me ‘special’ not like you all. But who was right?

Having had no experience of men as I had an arranged marriage and that’s it you don’t think of looking at another man.  The situation I was in … I was vulnerable and emotionally unstable and he knew it and he preyed on that. His kindness at first and care…. I found myself falling deeper and deeper until all I thought about was him.   I would do anything for him and let him treat me as he wished ignoring me sometimes and making me feel had I done something to upset him.?  Strange and embarrassing when I think about it now.

Even at my last therapy session my therapist asked if he were to say ‘I made a mistake I want you ‘ what would I do? At that point in July I couldn’t answer that and I was unsure of my answer but now I know he isn’t worth it! And I would tell him to get lost.

My friend has asked me to go and see “bad moms’ at cinema later …. I will write tomorrow.  Xx