Here I am sitting in my garden with the sun shining. Nearing the end of my school summer holidays. It’s not fair we get six weeks as staff :). This has been a strange holiday where I have bedn completely at peace and not sunk into a low low depression as before.
It’s been a long journey, this year but finally I want for nothing other than my children to be happy and achieve their goals. The husband is ok and trying to be caring in his strange way. Is life ever the same after attempted suicide… I think what are my employers thinking ‘is she safe to work in school’ or ‘should we let her go…’ I ask myself these questions. I am in two minds whether to go back – I haven’t missed being away from colleagues or the daily routine of work. Often wonder is it the medication keeping me together but no I feel different- I finally want to live and enjoy life … I keep telling my children enjoy your lives as it’s over too quick. Do I have regrets? Yes.
I am still naive and trust people so easily and wonder when they let me down. Sometimes the loneliness is all I want to end…. even in a crowded room… a man I trusted, with my life, he made me realise there is more to life and step outside my sheltered life. How I regret letting myself be swept away by his charm, the sparkle in his eyes and his smile. He couldn’t have been more different than the man I am married to. How I hung to his every word… but it had to end the mental anguish and heartache. The hurt and mind games… from being such a lovely thing it turned into a game but the only one playing was him.
Only now after four years and 30 weeks of therapy I can say it. He was a narcissistic egotistical basterd!. I gave him the adoration he desired but when I wanted him to be honest … he laughed and said I was an emotional wreck. Who made me this Emotional wreck????
Tears have finally stopped and if I am honest yes when I see him I do wait to see if he will acknowledge me. The therapist says it will take time …. for those feelings to disappear.
I know after coming through this ordeal who my friends are ; the backstabbing and gossiping at work from colleagues. Still I ask myself why do I want to go back? Is it a backward step? Especially as the cause of my pain. He had almost destroyed me…. I keep telling myself I can fight the emotions and ignore him and not entertain any of his mind games.
I saw him yesterday in passing in town and for once I didn’t feel that rush of excitement and all I could see was how fake he is and that I will never give anyone the power to make me feel so desperate that I consider ending it all.
I have read countless articles about men like this who prey on women only for their ego to be flattered. There must be so many like me…. my friends told me he’s dangerous and a ‘player’ I thought no he treats me ‘special’ not like you all. But who was right?
Having had no experience of men as I had an arranged marriage and that’s it you don’t think of looking at another man. The situation I was in … I was vulnerable and emotionally unstable and he knew it and he preyed on that. His kindness at first and care…. I found myself falling deeper and deeper until all I thought about was him. I would do anything for him and let him treat me as he wished ignoring me sometimes and making me feel had I done something to upset him.? Strange and embarrassing when I think about it now.
Even at my last therapy session my therapist asked if he were to say ‘I made a mistake I want you ‘ what would I do? At that point in July I couldn’t answer that and I was unsure of my answer but now I know he isn’t worth it! And I would tell him to get lost.
My friend has asked me to go and see “bad moms’ at cinema later …. I will write tomorrow. Xx